Trying to suppress anxiety

I'm feeling quite anxious at present.  As I am avoiding the noise of the kango hammer, I am driving to and from college a lot more often and this is aggravating my back and neck.  I now have pain all down my left arm, into my hand, where I have pain between the first two knuckles and a stabbing pain under my left index finger when I change gear.

I saw Antje in the studio this morning.  I have a lot of time for Antje and she was trying to be helpful giving me time and chat about my work.  But one of the things she said was that the external examiner had liked the raw quality of the drawing in my monoprint sample.  No-one had told me this after the session.  This makes me quite disheartened, because I had really liked them, but decided not to take them further as I had not received any positive feedback about them, and neither could I replicate the quality of the marks, although I have tried.  I made the monoprints at the City Lit, using clapped out materials.  I have tried to work monoprints further using materials bought at Herts, but I just cannot get the same quality of mark.  So I had returned to the line drawings, that actually bore me.

Antje said I produce stuff quickly (I don't think I do - I feel slow, ploddy and anxious), and that I need to get on and make.  Decide what sort of environment I want to create.  As I go to exhibitions, I need to look at how they are staged.   I find this really difficult.  I am not a good completer-finisher - in fact I find the detail consciousness required, to be totally alien to me.  I know it needs to be done, but just thinking about it completely saps me. If I think about it too much, I'm going to head into paralysis.

Antje said it was time to consider the environment I wanted to exhibit in, and I needed to get on and plough my own furrow, irrespective of what feedback other people had given.  I suppose I agree with this.  She also said the monoprint work was liked because it was big.  I am quite happy working big.

If I am ploughing my own furrow, what would I do?  I would set up a domestic interior.  With an upholstered settee covered in my own printed and embroidered fabric.  With wall pieces of my unfinished knitting samples.  With the jam covers on a float shelf stacked vice Edmund de Waal.  With curtains either printed full length with repeat pattern utensils, with a full drop overprint of single utensils; or plain coloured front fabric, and a printed lining.  With the roller towels extending to floor level.

Now time to do some pattern repeats.  I do wish my arm would stop hurting.